Im not my blorbo’s defence lawyer. I’m their rich mom at parent night and for the money I’m paying this place, my little darling treasure gets to bite as many classmates as they like
Traditional w/ Valence: Kind of the minimum acceptable awning to fall on. Better than nothing but not great for higher drops. 4/10
Traditional w/ Wrap Valence: Slightly better, but not enough to make a difference. You’d aim for it over a standard Valence but you still won’t like it very much when you land. 4/10
Dome: Honestly insulting. No matter how you fall on it, guaranteed to throw you in a worse direction than you started. Possibly worse than just falling directly from the top of the building to the pavement? City council continues to ignore my suggestion to ban them. 0/10
Gable: Kind of a mixed bag. Good landing but only if you’re very experienced falling onto awnings. If you land wrong that’s gonna be hurting for days. 6/10 unless you haven’t fallen off a roof before, then 2/10
Bullnose: More user friendly imho, forgiving surface area but it can make you careless of those rounded edges. Still, it’s your good working awning, the people’s awning, always a solid choice for falling off a roof. 7/10
Quarter Round: Deceptively evil. I’ve seen people bounce right into incoming traffic from these, avoid at all costs. 0/10
Casement (Hip Roof): May as well have no awning. Tell me you hate people falling off roof tops without telling me you hate people falling off roof tops. Awning for selfish people only. 0/10
Waterfall: Weirdly very springy, unexpectedly stylish if you know your roof falling. A great playful bounce without enough kick to throw you into traffic. 7/10
Stationary Canopy: The gold standard for awnings. When you’re falling out of a tall building, this is the one you always wanna see. Catches you like a 12 year old fielding a gently tossed baseball. 10/10
Lateral Arm Retractable: Next best to a Stationary, maybe a little less stability, but almost always a nice clean landing. 9/10
Circular: Not ideal but it will do in a pinch. Terrible stopping power, falling on these you pretty much are for sure going to plow completely through it. 3/10
Concave: It’s a slide. Just drop in on one of these for hours of child like delight. With enough experience falling off a roof you can land on this owning and sail into a room in the other side of the street. 100/10
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